I don't fit in a box, do you?

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you probably know that I am a big fan of Maria Kennedy Shriver and read her Sunday Paper every week.

This is from yesterday's Sunday Paper:

"... an “out beyond” category, which is where I find myself these days as well. I’m out beyond raising small children. I’m out beyond a marriage. I’m out beyond being a caregiver for my parents. I’m out beyond being young (but I certainly don’t feel old). I’m out beyond so many of the commitments that used to structure my life. I’m in an out-beyond place that defies description, and that’s both thrilling and scary.

But this I know for sure: none of us fit squarely into a box, even though society wants to peg you or box you in. I’ve never been one thing, and I doubt you are either. I’ve decided to embrace this indescribable space. I am a multitude of things with a curiosity that spans categories. I aspire to engage in a language of politics that’s aspirational, one that’s about service, love, dignity, strength, hope, and unity.

I aspire to be an open-hearted and open-minded writer/journalist that can both inform and inspire. I see my journalism as an extension of my service, an extension of my calling. I call upon myself to be an advocate for the eradication of Alzheimer’s and someone who uses their voice to bring equity to women’s health."

For many years I have said I don't want to be put in a box. In our culture, we are often put in a box according to our age. In other countries, elder folk are revered for their wisdom and honored because they are the matriarchs and patriarchs of the family.

My good friend, Estelle, once said to me, "Don't tell your real age. When you do, people think about the number instead of who you really are."

I think that is absolutely true. Most of us have a stereotype in mind of what a person looks like if he is 70, 75, or 80. That stereotype also includes the idea that anyone this age is no longer relevant. Younger people often discard ideas and advice of their elders because they think the older person's words have no worth to them. 

Although today men and women are living well and working in some capacity well into their eighties. My brother who is over ninety has his own business and worked until last year when he fell ill with COVID. He has not completely gained his health back, but he is doing better all the time. His mind is great and he loves to tell stories about the old days, some funny and some serious. I enjoy those stories and write them down so we can pass them on.

My co-author for Paws, Claws, Hooves, Feathers and Fins, said her doctor said she was in good health for a woman in her mid-nineties. She is fun to talk with and laugh with. We talk on the phone often since we are not visiting now because this virus is surging in our area. 

I have felt the sting of being put in a box by those who know me. When my husband died, I was instantly put into the box marked WIDOW. When that happens your married friends no longer invite you out. Your male friends who are married keep a distance. Soon most of your friends are widows or other women who have your same interests. For me, that is writing. Most of my friends are bloggers, authors, poets, and writers of memoirs. Since I teach memoir writing now,  my students often become dear friends. I am grateful for that. 

Like Maria Shriver, I aspire to be an open-hearted and open-minded writer, teacher, blogger, that can both inform and inspire. No, I am not going to be put into a box. I will grow every day as my curiosity pushes me to learn more and my desire to help others urges me to teach. As long as I can do something in this world that is helpful or makes a difference for good, I will not worry about age. 

Dear Readers and friends, have a great week doing what you enjoy. Be safe.

We want to be seen, valued and accepted for who we are.

At a crossroads in my life, I am thinking about what I want for my last act.  What do I want to do with my one precious life? Whatever strikes me as useful and valuable.

In 2009, my husband and companion of 45 years passed away. I had to decide: What do I do with my life and who am I now? I opened my writing studio in 2010. It was the most satisfying work I have done since I was in my thirties. I discovered the teacher in me had never gone away, but teaching adults who were happy to be there and who enjoyed being in my classroom exhilarated me.

Bringing good poets and writers from far away to our little town gave me a special joy. Many of our local writers feel they can't travel long distances to attend workshops and conferences in large cities. Writers Circle Around the Table gave them the experience of meeting someone, learning from them and connecting in a way that will be beneficial for the rest of their lives.

A class at Writers Circle around the Table ten years ago

I didn't keep a record of how many students passed through my doors in the past ten years. Some became lasting friends like Barbara Gabriel, who moved across the country and continued with her writing, travel and started a travel blog.  Barbara is a woman who makes a difference wherever she goes. While in our area, she started a Big Sister group. She is smart, interesting and capable of doing what she wants to do.

Ageing is challenging at times. But most of the women I know face problems like taking care of an ill spouse, loss of a loved one, facing their own illness with the wisdom gained over all the years of their lives. My friend, Estelle, in her nineties, is still working on that book about her life she intends to leave for her children. I spent the afternoon with her recently and brought home tidbits of historical knowledge that I can use in writing about my parents, things I had not found on Google.

Another friend who has lived with chronic pain for most of her life and authored a book on the subject, volunteered to facilitate a poetry critique group. She is a well-published poet and is using her knowledge to help others. She has taken on responsibility in her third act that she did not have to accept.

One of my adult students in his seventies has recently become a columnist for his local newspaper. He had never been a writer or journalist before he retired. His articles are creating interest in his county and town, but also from my readers as I publish them on: www.glendacouncilbeall.com
His most recent post was on the Birth of the Constitution.  One reader said it should be published in a large publication where more people would read it.

While this country is obsessed with youth, their music, their morals or lack of, their clothes and all the new technology, women and men in their seventies and older are stepping out and proving that age is not a stop sign on the road of life. No one wants to be discounted because of age. They know they have grown better with age. Most of us finally feel free to pursue our dreams and be our best selves, like one of my favorite people who loves to dance and now in her seventies, she is dancing three times each week and has been asked to participate in a program where she will do 25 dances in one day. And she dances in heels! Wow!!

Hilary Clinton, age 71, and her daughter have collaborated on a book about Gutsy Women. Chelsea used a computer but Hilary wrote in long hand. Together they accomplished a highly praised book I want to read. We can not let technology hold us back. Even younger people are frustrated with much of what we are supposed to know about technology. Some young people cannot read cursive writing. That is a handicap to my way of thinking. They are having to learn or struggle with the failure of what our school system imposed on them.

Adult children sometimes try to put their ageing parents in a box. They have preconceived ideas that an older person's ideas are no longer relevant or important. They shame their mothers and treat them like children. That really angers me.

In a recent post Maria Shriver said older women she interviewed said they feel more confident as they age, and they would not go back to their younger selves if they could. I feel the same way. Life after fifty has been the best part of my life. I would never want to go back to the shy, insecure and fearful person of my youth.

"It’s a privilege to use your voice on behalf of things you care about, no matter the stage of life." I believe Shriver's words are true. I find myself speaking up and using my voice on behalf of things that are important to me,   and I will continue to do so as long as I can.

Do you find that you speak up more as you age? Is your third or last act what you want it to be?

Maria Shriver wants to be like my mother.

Dear God, please help me remain calm, strong, classy and dignified, no matter what life throws my way. Amen.  --Maria Shriver

This prayer posted by Maria Shriver today reminds me of what my mother might have said.
She raised my sisters and me to stay above the fray, to keep our heads when all about us were losing theirs. When I came home and told my mother that a girl on the school bus wanted to fight. Mother said, "Girls fighting is low class, trashy, behavior."  This from a farm wife who was unsophisticated, but had been raised with good morals and values. 

LOIS COUNCIL

I still feel that way and when I see high school girls fighting, it turns my stomach with disgust. I feel sorry for them that they had no one to teach them how to behave.

From what we see on television and in movies, our society in the United States has become "low class, trashy" in many ways. Civil, dignified behavior is absent from our leadership in Washington, and it has become popular with the people on the street, the children in school and in homes. We have become a "dog-eat-dog" culture where we say and do anything that behooves us, and we care not for those who get hurt. 

It seems our culture is missing empathy. We only think of ourselves and we can't or won't put ourselves in the shoes of others, try to understand how they feel. Alan Alda who is an expert on communication says we don't listen. I think we all know that. We are thinking about what we want to say, and we don't hear others speak.

JUNE COUNCIL

My sister, June, was the perfect southern, genteel woman who could hold her own with anyone who was disagreeable or who was being a problem. She never used a curse word, a vulgarity, or called anyone names. She had such command of vocabulary that the average person hardly realized that he had been shut up and admonished by the best until he walked away.

June was strong, calm, classy and dignified no matter what life threw at her. I strive to be like her, but I often fail. 

We need more role models like June Council and my mother, Lois Council. Perhaps that would bring back classy, dignified deportment and rid us of the trashy, low class behavior prevalent in our world today.

Living Life on My Terms

I am a fan of Maria Shriver, daughter of Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Eunice founded the Special Olympics and was a phenomenal woman as was most of the family of Rose and Joseph Kennedy. I, like many, thought that anyone who grew up as a Kennedy has it made and their life is like Utopia. But that family has suffered so many tragedies some say they are jinxed.

My life was always dictated by others, it seems, until I was middle aged. My authoritarian father and opinionated four brothers left little wiggle room for my own thoughts and ideas to be heard. My older sister learned early that she had to leave home to be her own person. So did my youngest sister.

Both of them lived in various locations and had adventures I only dreamed of. Gay moved to California and worked with Western Airlines. She traveled to any place Western flew. She often went alone and met interesting people. She wrote letters to me about her trips.

June, the oldest, met an Air Force Lieutenant and eventually left for California where they married.
She had a successful career herself, and helped her husband further his education at Emory University after his stint in the military. I enjoyed visiting them in places near enough I could drive or close enough they could take Gay and me home with them.

Meanwhile, I went to college, earned my BS in Education and came back home to teach. I hated being at the mercy of administrative men who had no idea what I needed in my classroom to help children who came to my fourth grade classroom  not knowing how to read.

I married a great guy who eventually went to work with my brothers. A huge mistake for me because I became caught in the middle between him and family when things went wrong. To make matters worse, we lived on the same farm where I grew up, where my parents and brothers called all the shots.

So how does this relate to Maria Shriver? Through following this extraordinary woman who has taken center stage in her own life, I see much of myself.

She was the only girl in a family of five. The boys were given opportunities she was not. She felt she never had a voice. (So much like me)  She lived a life trying to be the person her mother and father wanted her to be - a good daughter, a good wife, a good mother. When she tells of the rules she had to live by in her strict Catholic family, my heart goes out to her. She watched her mother develop the Special Olympics which debuted the same time that her brother, Robert Kennedy was assassinated and buried. Maria talks about this on a podcast that I have listened to more than once.

Who would think that a rich person who had all kinds of opportunities would grow up thinking she didn't matter, her opinions didn't matter. Now, as an older woman having endured the public humiliation of her husband's affair and divorce, she is writing books, holding meetings with people all over this country, important people who want to talk to her. 

She posts on Facebook and has a Sunday post that I subscribe to and read every week. She has created a powerful organization for Alzheimer's cure and is an advocate for that and many things.
She says we should never think our thoughts, our voices are not important. I agree.

When I moved away from home in my fifties, I found that my voice does matter. I found that the ideas and values I always had were appreciated. Although I had been a great worker in organizations I supported, I had no confidence that I could be a leader, a person who was sought out for my opinions or respected as a person of influence.

I urge my readers to follow and read the books and posts by Maria Shriver. She has overcome her lack of confidence in herself, her embarrassment by a failed marriage that she did not see coming, and the expectations of others who, because of her family name, want her to follow traditions and be like her cousins although she is her own person.

I admire that attitude. The first time I stood up for myself and my opinions against my brothers who expected me to appear and present a program about our family history caused a major upset. I was accused of being mean and selfish, but I was standing up for myself when one of my brothers told me that the family history book I spent 10 years compiling was inaccurate. I was hurt beyond words. I had my doubts that my book had been read, but was appalled when I was told that my research on my grandparents was all wrong.

Some family members will always remember that incident as my fault. But in some ways it was my last stand for myself.

This happened after I had moved away. Would I have been as determined if I had been near my brothers? I was accused of throwing one of my brothers under the bus because he had to give the presentation. He was forced to read my book to deliver the history he had promised to provide.

I grew up, like Maria, in the shadows of brothers and other family feeling I had no voice. But it is never too late to speak up. We don't have to let others, husbands, family or community stifle us.  As long as we are of sound mind, we can control our lives. I will not move out of my home because others think I should. But when I cannot take care of myself or afford to hire help, I will consider making a move. I will not stop teaching and helping writers who need me unless I feel that I have nothing to offer. I will not end my leadership of my writers' organization until I feel that I cannot make a difference.

Visit Maria Shriver here. Read her Sunday Paper by subscribing.